The Modern Vacuum
The vacuum isn’t just a household appliance; it’s a statement regarding class, craftsmanship, and the future of Western society. While “experts” in Eastern religion may claim that all is one, I think it’s safe to say that we Americans know the difference between what’s dirty and what isn’t. As my father used to tell me, “When something ain’t right, you gotta just suck it up.” No truer words have been said, and accordingly no appliance more handy (or should I say sucky sucky) than the vacuum has ever been created.
But what makes the vacuum so much more special than say, a blender or space heater (both of which are appliances that serve their purposes dutifully)? Well for one, vacuums are a testament to the American dream; a vacuum proves that something can always be made out of nothing. A clean house can be made out of empty space, out of an absence of pressure that attracts the world around it and causes it to travel through extraordinary lengths and whimsically curved paths until it’s stuck in a bag and you eventually throw it out. A vacuum makes it possible to own a shag carpet without getting a skin disease right away.
But just who uses vacuums, and if you use a vacuum will you be joining the “right crowd”? Well like guns and oblong hair brushes, it all depends on how you use them. There are surely those Americans who use their vacuums not to clean their house but to dirty their mind with false notions of superiority over their neighbors, who perhaps can only afford a broom. There are others who understand that a clean house is only worth having alongside a clean mind, a quietly attentive consciousness which notices the organization of a room with complicit pleasure and sees a lack of clutter as the presence of freedom. These are the vacuumers with whom you should aspire to suck clean.
Vacuums suck a lot of things clean, and how far you’re going to get with them all depends on what you want to suck clean. If you would like to suck clean a bathroom floor, you need to put it on the appropriate “tile” or “hardwood floor” setting. Obviously you probably don’t have hardwood floors in your bathroom, but the point is that you don’t use the “carpet” setting unless you really need it, because it’s only made to suck the dust out of cloth surfaces so it would be inappropriate to use in the bathroom where you may have a small foot carpet but don’t likely have an entirely carpeted floor. If you do happen to have an entirely carpeted floor or a few rectangles of carpet in there to keep your feet warm or impress a friend, be sure to vacuum these carpets with the “carpet” setting on, otherwise your vacuum likely won’t have the sucking power it needs to get the job done, an issue that has plighted man since long before vacuum cleaners were invented.